Waking Up Alone
by Kari2171
Summary: My Coulson Lives story. Not beta'd if someone could PM me about how to find a beta reader, that would be helpful. Thanks Rated T for some swears, but not many.


Waking Up Alone

I don't own yadda yadda yadda.

Phil was dreaming. He couldn't really feel his body, but somewhere his mind knew he should be in tremendous pain. Maybe he had been in pain at one point, and now it was gone. Maybe they had him on the really good drugs that Tony Stark loved so much. Or maybe he was dead.

His memories came back in bits and pieces completely out of order. Meeting Captain America, how cool was that? He hoped he didn't act like too much of a fanboy. It was hard when your boyhood hero (that had been assumed dead for decades) was suddenly in front of you and leading him was one of your job responsibilities. He hoped to get to know the man behind the shield one day, but if he is dead, that will never happen.

A man, or something that looks like a man, in green and gold sneering and taunting him… his mind shies from that memory reflexively.

Watching a man taking out one after another of his well trained agents trying to get to the hammer no one can lift. Hearing the respect in Clint's voice as he watched the action from above. Not letting Hawkeye take the shot that would end this quest; hoping that this man can do the impossible. He remembers the disappointment when the man can not lift the hammer that came from the sky.

Pepper Potts smile was infectious. Phil hardly ever even smirked on the job, unless he was alone and Clint was being especially rude over their private comm. link, but he smiled with Ms. Potts. Maybe because she too knew what it was like to try and get humans who could be heroes act up to their potential. He felt sorry for her, trying to love a man who had never had love before, who didn't know how to love anyone else because he didn't love himself. Phil knew what that was like.

He remembered going to the R&D armory, the helicarrier was under attack, and he knew the only small chance they had was the experimental weapon that hadn't even been tested yet. He didn't want to remember the feel of the gun in his hands as he headed to the flight deck.

Tony Stark could be such an ass, but for some unknown reason, Phil found himself liking him. He carried out Fury's orders to use Stark and his tech as much as possible, following orders is what Phil does, but he knew there was more to Stark than the playboy persona he wore like another suit of armor. Phil knew about emotional armor. His dark suits were more than just his SHIELD uniform. When he wore it, he was Agent Coulson and didn't have to deal with whatever emotions Phil may have in a situation.

A giant robot in the middle of the dessert? That memory didn't even make sense. There were civilian women trying to help and save others, there was a bridge of some sorts. These drugs must really be the good stuff, if he was dead, would a rainbow be so confusing?

Clint. Clint was a calming and exciting memory at the same time. They met in an op gone bad, they became friends while waiting in snipers nests and safe houses, and Phil really hoped he would still have a chance to tell Clint how he had fallen in love with the voice in his ear. Complaining, commenting, comforting, Phil needed to hear that voice again. Clint with his eyes the wrong color?...

If he was dead, he hoped that things started to make sense soon. This wasn't horrible, so he didn't think he was in hell, but being this confused certainly wasn't heaven.

Bruce Banner…Phil could feel his heart starting to race. The Hulk was tearing apart the helicarrier, Natasha was in danger. She didn't have super strength like Rodgers or a protective suit like Stark, she was strictly human. A well trained, nimble, clever human, but how could she handle the Hulk? He needed to get to her. Clint would never forgive him if Nat was hurt. Clint…he was missing, he was in trouble…God, he had to wake up. His team was in trouble, they needed a handler.

Phil's eyes snapped open. He was lying in a hospital bed with more tubes and wires attached to his body than he could count. There were doctors and technicians and nurses surrounding him, but he had never felt so alone. Where was Clint, Nat, hell, he'd even love seeing Starks snarky face, but these were all strangers. Phil woke up alone.

A doctor noticed his heart rate and decided it would be better for him to be sedated again.

Clint was dreaming. Dreaming of a man in a dark suit saving him from a terrorist obsessed with torture. Dreaming of a man willing to trust him enough to bring a former Russian assassin in from the cold. Dreaming of a voice saying "Talk to me." Dreaming of talking more than he ever had in his life to that man about nothing and everything in the world. Dreaming about seeing that man take off his tie and finding it the sexiest sight he had ever seen. Dreaming of finally being able to tell the man how he felt. Then Clint realized he was awake and life had become a nightmare. The man was dead and Clint would never be able to tell him all he felt. Clint woke up alone.

The next time Phil regain consciousness, Fury was there. Phil was happy to finally see a face he recognized. Then Fury started talking. He explained the medics on the helicarrier had declared Phil dead. If not for some very experimental medical intervention, he would be dead. He had been kept unconscious for a month while the bionic lung fused to his body. When Phil asked about the Avengers, Fury had the decency to look a bit ashamed when he handed Phil the after action reports. Fury didn't wait for Phil to finish, he just left.

It had worked. The superior individuals had formed a true team. They learned to work together. They covered each others weaknesses and found their own strengths. Loki's army had been defeated. All of Loki's army. Phil put that thought aside. What came next was encouraging. The team had saved the world. Hell, Stark tried to jump on the metaphorical grenade. Even Phil didn't see that one coming. All because he was dead. His death had accomplished what he never could in life. Agent Coulson was so proud of them. Phil wasn't sure how to feel.

At least Phil knew why he woke up alone. Now he had to decide if rising from the dead would be fair to the Avengers, to SHIELD, to his friends. Maybe the greater good would be for Phil Coulson to stay dead. And alone.

Clint sat with the team, half listening to Captain America talk about their last op. They had survived, no civilians were hurt, and the bad guys were captured. Clint felt that was good enough. Steve thought they need to go over the battle blow by blow and discuss what went according to plan and what hadn't. So Clint hadn't waited for Tony to provide air support before heading to the roof. He took care of the guards up there himself. His side would heal. He still got his net around the scientist they needed to capture eventually. Yes, he had gotten shot again after he fired the net arrow, but Thor had caught him as he fell from the roof. The wound was to his wrist. Even with the cast he could still draw his bow. His fingers still worked. All Clint was thinking about during the fire fight was how Steve's voice in his ear was wrong. The voice that should be in his ear would never be there again and maybe he didn't want to be a part of a team. Trust only meant that it hurt more when you were deserted.

"Everyone is excused until hand to hand training tomorrow at 09:00." Cap announced. "Barton, please stay for a minute."

"Clint, I know you're hurting. We all are."

"You barely knew him Cap."

"You're right. But I do know what its like to lose friends in battle."

"Yes sir." Clint knew Steve had lost everyone he knew, but so had Clint. Clint usually didn't bother getting to know anyone.

"Agent Coulson wouldn't want this; he'd want us to be a team. He wouldn't want you taking crazy risks because you don't care about living anymore."

"You don't know what Phil…Agent Coulson would want. You didn't know him." Clint didn't bother denying his death wish.

"I know he gave his life to make the Avengers a reality."

Clint fought back another argument. "Yes sir."

"If you can't follow orders I will have to bench you Hawkeye. Is that understood?"

"Yes sir."

"Dismissed."

Clint retreated to his room, trying to sleep so he could dream again.

Steve went down to Tony's lab. Bruce was also there, helping Stark with a search through Shields encrypted medical records.

"We have to tell him what we suspect." Steve said. "He's going to end up killing himself through recklessness without hope."

"What if we're wrong? What if we give him hope only to rip it away?" Bruce asked.

"There is at least a 62% chance that Phil Coulson is still alive. The more I dig through these files, the more I'm sure." Tony said. "But I think we're close to proof, so we should probably wait, and hope the evil genius' of the world give us time to find him before we have to put Clint back into the field."

"What have you found?" Steve asked.

"It's more what I haven't found." Tony said. "There is a death certificate, and an action report from Fury, but no one else. No paperwork from the medics who declared him dead. No reports from the CSI team about what the found where he supposedly died. No autopsy file."

"Bruce, what kind of equipment would be needed to keep a critically injured patient alive?" Steve asked.

"I could make a list, why?" Bruce asked.

"We use to find HYDRA bases by tracking equipment from the suppliers. If Fury wants to keep this secret, they probably set up a new hospital or at least a used one that had been deactivated. They would have needed to requisition new equipment and supplies. Tony, can you get into SHIELD's requisition files?"

"I knew you were more than a pretty face Star Spangled Man." Tony took a moment break another level of encryption. "I'm in; I just need specifics from you Bruce."

"I'll leave you to it; let me know if you find anything." Steve said. He only hoped they would find what they were looking for in time to save Coulson and Barton.

Phil had been disconnected from all supportive medical equipment yesterday. The doctor's wanted to keep him for a week to rebuild his strength, but Phil had to go. He was able to walk around his room a few times before collapsing in exhaustion, that would have to be enough. It was time to get a life back, even if it wasn't his own life anymore. He let Fury know that he would keep the secret; he would stay dead, if Fury would allow him to simply retire. He wouldn't tell Fury any more than that he promised to disappear if Fury promised to never look for him.

Phil wouldn't explain to Fury why he would be moving to France. He did say he planned on living frugally so his retirement package would last for years. He didn't tell Fury he was going to become a writer. He had plenty of practice in creative writing when making his reports to Fury. He had to find ways to explain of some of the more colorful operations he had run. If he hadn't, many junior agents never would have been allowed to become senior agents, some senior agents would have become junior agents again and Clint Barton would have been stationed in a one man outpost in outer Siberia for years. Phil tried hard not to remember how Clint tried his patience. Phil had a small cabin in Chamonix-Mont-Blanc left to him by his maternal grandmother. The cabin was near where the Howling Commandos had destroyed a HYDRA base, led by Captain America. It wasn't their grandest escapade, but just being near somewhere Phil had read about made him feel more comfortable. He had long ago changed any personal paperwork into the name of his favorite alias.

His alias, chosen years ago, was Steve Clinton. It seems obvious now, but no one would be looking for a dead man anyway. Like any good secret agent, he had set up aliases, secret stashes of cash, fake ID's, and open ended plane tickets to match these ID's, long ago. You never knew what could happen in this line of work. You could be framed for any number of horrible crimes, your boss could suddenly become an evil warlord bent on world domination, you could go crazy and become bent on world domination. Having contingency plans just made sense.

And that's how Agent Phil Coulson became Mr. Steve Clinton, recluse American expatriate writer. He would spend his mornings puttering about the cabin, afternoons and evenings writing in his den and fall asleep when his eyes refused to stay open any longer. He often had nightmares about Clint becoming a pawn in the control of an evil god in green and gold. When the dreams jolted him awake, he was alone.

Clint spent his next couple days in his room. He would drink from the sink in his bathroom; he didn't have an appetite to eat anything even if he felt like facing the others in the kitchen. When he was sleeping, he could pretend that Phil was still alive, he could hear his voice, see his face, touch his sleeve. When he was awake, he was alone.

"Got it!" Tony announced bursting into Steve's room. "There were shipments of medical equipment and drugs sent to a secret base in Vermont. It's also where Dr. Van Harrison is currently residing."

"He's the leading researcher in bionics." Bruce added.

"Bionics?" Steve asked.

"Man, we need to get you caught up on 70's television classics. Bionics are the old school versions of adding mechanical improvements to organic bodies." Tony explained.

"Why would SHIELD go old school though?" Bruce wondered out loud. "Why not go with nano-tech or stem cell research?"

"They knew it would be easier to trace those things." Tony explained.

"Get me blueprints to that base. We'll make a plan. I'm going to talk to Clint."

Knock Knock

"Clint, its Steve. I need to talk to you."

Knock Knock

"Clint, if you don't open up I'll just have Stark override the locking code."

"It's not locked Cap." Clint said without getting up. Steve walked in. He expected to find the room a mess, maybe find Clint drunk, but everything seemed in place and Clint seemed sober.

"I have to talk to you about something, but I don't want to get your hopes up."

"Pretty sure that won't ever happen again Steve."

"We think Agent Coulson may still be alive."

Clint's eyes snapped open, but that was the only outward reaction Steve could see.

Clint thought he must be dreaming again. Might as well go with it.

"Who is we and why do you think that?"

"Tony came to me a couple weeks ago saying that Phil's death didn't make sense. There were too many convenient coincidences. Those trading cards covered in blood? Tony tested them. It was Phil's blood, but the cards weren't originals. Phil never would have bragged about copies, and he wouldn't have asked me to sign them." Steve explained.

That was true. Clint knew Coulson had original vintage cards and he kept them in fancy plastic covers to keep them perfect. He hadn't asked about the details of how Fury had explained to the team that Phil was dead. He had heard something about trading cards. Now he wished he had asked. Clint sat up and looked at Steve.

"What else? That can't be enough to convince you."

"Tony started digging through SHIELD's files. The surface stuff was right, there was a death certificate and Phil's employment file was closed out, but the supporting details were missing. Tony can give you more details, but there was definitely some kind of cover up going on."

"Is that all?"

"No, we think we may know where he has been treated."

"Where?" Clint was off the bed and grabbing his bow and quiver.

"Vermont. Tony is getting the blueprints. Clint, I know how important this is to you, but we're not going to go off half cocked, we are making a plan and I'll let you in on it if you can promise me no going off on your own."

All Clint wanted to do was go and beat Fury's face in, to shoot out his one good eye. But he knows the safest way to save Phil is to follow the Captain and the team. At least for now. Once he gets the lay of the land, things may change.

"Yes sir. I only want him back safe."

"We all do Clint. We all do."

They went down to Tony's lab where the rest of the team was waiting.

"Are you OK Clint?" Nat asked, concerned.

"I'll be better when I see him alive."

Steve is looking over the blueprints while Tony was helping Jarvis access satellite feeds that show the compound. Soon, they had a plan. Usually, Rodgers would have Hawkeye up high where he could provide cover and stay out of the fray, but he knows Clint needs to be first through the gates. They boarded Tony's jet and headed to Vermont.

Besides the heavily guarded front gates, it looked like a nice retirement home. Clint took out the guards on the gate and rushed into the main building. Thor and Iron Man took care of the outside guards while Natasha and Steve fought the guards inside hand to hand. Clint is broke down every door looking for his friend. He reached what looks like a fancy office and there he found Dr. Van Harrison, looking older than the picture Tony had shown him, but it was definitely him.

Clint threw the scientist against the wall and asked, "Where is he? Where is Agent Coulson?"

"I don't know."

"Don't fucking lie to me. I can kill you in many ways, some aren't quite as painful. Now I'm only asking one more time, where is he?"

"Fury showed up and took him away about 2 weeks ago. I don't know where he went."

"Clint don't hurt him, we need him. Phil may still need him." Captain America and Black Widow were behind him.

Clint let the trembling man drop to the floor and stomped away. Iron Man found him on the roof.

"The doctor said Coulson was alive and went with Fury willingly." Tony said. "I don't think he was lying. We can be a pretty scary bunch when pissed, and threatening to call you back to finish what you started seemed to be our ace in the hole. He said Phil was physically stable, he needed to gain back strength, but he would be OK without medical support. Phil is alive Clint."

"I need to see him. This whole thing has felt like one fucked up dream or hallucination, I have to see him."

"Come back downstairs with me, I can show you proof."

Tony led Clint into the lab and sat him in front of a computer monitor. He pulled up the video feed that had recorded Phil's medical procedures and recovery.

The video started when Phil was brought to the facility. He was pale, so pale, and he looked to be hooked up to every kind of medical machine known to man. "What are all those machines for Tony?"

"Bruce could answer you better, but it looks like they help with both blood circulation and supplying oxygen to his body. In this picture, his lungs were not functioning and his heart was weak. Trust me, you don't need to see the surgery. I'm skipping to the good part."

Phil was still connected to too many machines, but his color was better and Clint could see his eyes moving behind his closed eyelids. Phil was having a nightmare. You don't share hideouts and safe houses with an ex-soldier turned spy without knowing what his nightmares look like. Phil's eyes suddenly opened and he looked like he wanted a sit-rep.

Instead, he gets a shot and he falls back to sleep.

"WTF?" Clint said. "Why knock him out as soon as he wakes up?"

Bruce said his heart rate was way high and he needed to rest more to heal. But you saw that, he woke up. Well, I'll skip to the next interesting bit.

Fury is sitting next to Phil's bed. This is proof Nick Fury knew Coulson had survived.

"I'll get Natasha to do that ninja lip-reading thing she does on this later, but it will only be one side of the conversation, Fury is turned to far away from the camera.

Phil's eyes open slowly this time and he smiles when he sees Fury. An honest to god smile. After a moment though, he looks confused. Fury hands him a file folder and leaves. Coulson reads through the file, smiling at some points, but looking almost…sad at others. He finishes the file and closes his eyes. He lays in silence, looking forlorn.

"He stays like that until the doctors come back in and then its just normal recuperating stuff until Fury comes back the next day." Tony explains the part of the video he is skipping.

The next shot shows Fury in the same seat next to Phil's bed. Phil seems to be calmly explaining something. Fury argues something, Phil ignored him. Coulson hands Fury a piece of paper.

"Can you zoom in on that?"

Tony does something on the computer and the words on the paper are suddenly legible. It reads "My retirement package demands."

"Retirement? Agent wouldn't retire. He hasn't gotten to taser me yet. Besides, I thought you SHIELD guys had lifetime contracts." Tony exclaimed.

"But he died. Legally, there's nothing Fury can do about it, especially when he's the one that declared Phil dead." Clint said in a monotone. Retirement. Without taking Clint with him. Phil voluntarily left him.

There was more video of Phil getting physical therapy, of Phil practicing walking around and around the room until his strength had returned slightly. Then Fury showed up again and escorted Phil out.

"That's it." Tony said.

"Looks like Phi…Agent Coulson went willingly. He evidentially wants to stay dead. I guess we need to let him."

"We don't know what lies Fury told him. He told us one hell of a whopper. Let's get Jarvis and Nat see what they can do to figure out what happened in those conversations before we decide anything."

"Can we just go home please?" Clint wasn't sure when the Avengers tower had become home, but it was the closest thing he had without Phil.

"Bruce is going to stay and figure out the medical side of things, but yes, the rest can be done back at the tower."

The rest of the team gathered copies of the video surveillance and flew back to New York. They wanted to take the good doctor too, but everything looked like he had only done what he could to save his patient, and had succeeded, so they really didn't have anything on him.

What to do about Fury was the real question. He had lied to them. Repeatedly. He needed to be confronted; question was who would get the honor. The team, minus Bruce who was still in Vermont, sat around the conference room table in the tower to decide.

"It should be me; he knows that without my tech, he's nowhere. The helicarrier would crash into the ocean." Tony said.

"He's the most scared of me." Natasha said.

"Who isn't?" Clint said. "It can't be you; you may really hurt him before we get what we need. Tony and I have a history of being pissed at Fury, one more time won't matter. Even if Bruce were here, the last thing we need is the Hulk showing up. Thor is too alien for Fury to know how to deal with, and he's too trusting. Fury could sell Thor the London Bridge. Fury is at heart a soldier. Fear won't break him. Greed won't break him. It's got to be Steve. Honor still matters to him. Deceiving the symbol of American goodness will already be eating at him." Clint didn't realize how much he sounded like Agent Coulson in planning mode.

"I'm not sure I won't hurt him." Steve admitted.

"You won't because you know he has answers we still need. After we get Phil back, then we decide what to do with Fury and SHIELD long term." Clint told them. No one argued.

So that's how Steve Rodgers ended up at SHIELD headquarters in his old army uniform, not the red white and blue one, his proper captains uniform, waiting to talk to Maria Hill, who was now playing gatekeeper for Fury.

"Captain Rodgers, what can SHIELD do for you today?"

"I need top speak to Director Fury."

"He's very busy today. May I ask in what this is in regards to?"

"Need to Know, and you don't."

"Well, then I should explain that he is in meetings with the World Security Council all day."

"Well, then I should explain that the rest of the Avengers aren't as patient as I am. They are back at the tower deciding how to take care of this situation without Fury's knowledge and they can be…reckless without proper supervision. I'm sure Agent Coulson explained that to you at one point or another. The longer I'm kept waiting, the more time they will have to make decisions. Probably reckless decisions."

"I'll be back." Hill said and walked into the far office.

After a few moments, she returned saying, "Fury can give you 10 minutes." Steve knew there was no real time limit; Hill was just trying to exert some kind of control. Steve brushed past her into Fury's office.

"You've been hanging out with Stark too long Captain. Blackmail is beneath you." Fury said.

"Not blackmail. Honesty. You should try it sometime." Steve wasn't going to pussyfoot around today.

"What have I supposedly lied to you about Captain?"

Fury hadn't become the Director of one of the most secret agencies in the world without knowing how dissemble and avoid.

"Phil Coulson is alive. You will tell me where he is."

"Why do you think that?"

"Don't make it worse director. We've been to Vermont. We have the video. Tell me where he is, or the next visit will be from the rest of the Avengers, and trust me, you haven't seen vengeance until you get between them and their handler."

"I don't know where he is."

"Bullshit" Captain America swore. Fury didn't know Captain America could swear. He was in trouble.

"If you saw the video, you know what happened. When he woke, I went to tell him what happened, but I couldn't finish. He is my best friend and I betrayed him. I felt it was for the greater good at the time, and he really wasn't expected to live, but I thought he would be furious. I chickened out and just let him read the files on his own." Fury looked down, embarrassed. "Then I gathered my courage and came back the next day. I figured while he would probably hate me he would still handle the Avengers team. Then he asked for retirement paperwork. Wouldn't tell me why or where he was going to go. He looked so tired and resigned, I had to let him go."

"I want to see the exact files you gave him, no doctoring, and anything you have from the agents you sent to follow him."

"He lost them pretty fast. He was the best I had."

"Give me everything."

"You'll have it."

"He gave you no reasons?"

"Maybe he was tired of dealing with petulant playboys and angry archers. He didn't say and I couldn't talk him out of it."

Steve couldn't believe it was that simple. He knew Tony annoyed Phil sometimes, he had heard the taser/Supernanny story, but Phil and Clint seemed to like each other. Clint's reaction to Coulson's death seemed to show at the very least a deep friendship, probably something more. He realized he had one more thing to get straight with the SHIELD director.

"Fury, the world better not need us until we've found our handler. I'm not saying we won't help the world in a true emergency, but we won't follow your orders right now. We only follow people we trust."

"Understood." Fury was happy Steve had said 'right now'. There was still a chance for forgiveness, if they found Phil. "Good Luck Captain Rodgers. I want him back too. I miss my friend."

Fury was right, there wasn't much information. The files were the actual after action reports, un-doctored. As usual, only codenames and initials were used. CA for Steve, IM for Tony, Agent R for Nat, Agent B for Barton, etc. The reports from the agents trying to follow Phil were hopeless. He lost them before leaving Vermont.

Natasha and Clint were at the kitchen table when Steve came in. "What did you find out?" Natasha asked.

"Fury doesn't know where Coulson went. He wouldn't have lied about that right now. He gave me the files that he gave to Phil and they're real. He had some agents trying to follow, but they were hopelessly outclassed. Agent Coulson lost them almost immediately." Steve turned to Clint. "I've never been undercover, or a spy, but you two have. If you wanted to disappear completely, how would it work?"

"You set these things up in advance. You always have a few extra identities with travel arrangements and hideouts in place. And before you ask, you don't tell anyone, and I mean anyone, what they are, because your best friend may end up being who you have to run from."

"OK, I get that. But Phil doesn't make licenses and passports himself and he wouldn't have gone to SHIELD to get them, because that's who he would most likely be hiding from, so who would he trust to be his forger?"

Clint and Natasha looked at each other for a moment, and then both answered, "Olson".

Clint explained further, "Jack Olson, forger extraordinaire. Was based in New Orleans, last I heard anyway. I haven't needed him for a long time. I know Phil knows him, we talked about him and his mad skills when SHIELD gave us passports one time that looked like something a kindergartner would make."

"Would he tell you what alias Phil got from him if you asked?" Steve asked.

"Not me." Clint replied, "But he and Nat were…friendly once upon a time."

"Did it end well enough that he won't try and kill you on sight Natasha?" Steve knew she didn't get her Black Widow moniker without cause.

"We were only friends with benefits Cap." Steve looked confused and Nat continued. "That's exactly what it sounds like Steve, we were friends that slept together, but it never meant anything more. But, Jack always liked me and I think if I explained, maybe brought the video evidence we have to prove I'm not lying, he might tell me."

Steve went to find the rest of the team to update them and get Tony to set up a search for Jack Olson. Somewhere in New Orleans five years ago needed to be followed up on and if he could be found, Tony or more realistically, Jarvis could do it. Clint and Nat stayed behind.

"Should we really be doing this?" Clint asked.

"Of course we should. If we went off grid, he'd move heaven and earth to find us. Hell, he has done it for us, more than once. Why are you questioning that now?"

"He went willingly. He knew what Fury had done, and he left anyway."

"That only means we are missing something. He wouldn't desert the team, he wouldn't desert us, he would never leave you Clint."

"I'm not sure about that. Maybe my 'vacation' with Loki finally convinced him I'm not worth all the bother Nat."

"No. You weren't here. You don't know how hard he looked for you, how much he missed you. Disappointment in you is not why he's gone. You need to have faith, just a bit longer Clint. Once we find him, then we will have our answers."

"I'll try."

"But faith has never been you're strong suit. Not after so many people have let you down. But Phil has never been one of those people, I won't believe he could become one and I won't let you believe it either."

"I said I'll try. It's the best I can give you Nat."

Then the rest of the team came in and they got down to the work of finding a forger. Jarvis confirmed that Olson was still in New Orleans (even a man who did illegal things couldn't stay completely hidden if he wanted to let people hire him and Jarvis was the best) so they got down to planning a trip to the Big Easy.

The next night found the Avengers dressed in street clothes sitting in a dive bar just off of Bourbon Street. They were scattered throughout the bar, Steve and Tony sitting in a booth by the front door, Bruce and Thor at a table near the kitchen and Clint hidden in the shadows near the bathrooms. Nat was at the bar, the only one not trying to stay inconspicuous.

"What's a beautiful girl like you doing in a place like this?" Nat heard from over her shoulder.

"Evidentially hearing the oldest pickup lines ever. Long time no see Jack."

"Figured once you got officially hooked up with those SHIELD clowns, you wouldn't need to see me anymore Nat."

"Well, I could use some help now."

"Forger help or something more personal?"

"It's about forgeries, but it will mean I would owe you a personal favor that you can use in whatever manner you like."

"After you pulled me out of Albania? We'll probably be even. What documents do you need?"

"No papers, just information."

"You know I can't give you that. I can't stay in business if people can't trust me."

"I'm not looking to arrest or kill anyone; I'm looking for a friend."

She told Jack the whole story and showed him what evidence they had.

"We need to find him Jack. We have to show him he doesn't have to stay dead. That we need him. We at least have to hear his side of the story. If he still doesn't want to come back, we'll let him hide forever. But we can't give up without knowing why."

Olson thought for a minute.

"I need to talk to your whole team."

Nat gestured for everyone to join them.

"Do I have all your promises that if Agent Coulson wants to remain dead, you will let it go and never bother him again?"

Steve answered, "You have our word."

Looking each of them in the eye, one by one, Jack sighed and said, "Albert Ross, Mac O'Donnell or Steve Clinton. Those were the three sets of papers he got from me. It was years ago, a person in his position probably had other people who he could get things from."

"We know he didn't do this through SHIELD and we discussed how you were the best." Clint told him, still sounding a bit stunned. Steve he understood, but Clinton? Maybe Agent Coulson did care something about him.

"Thank you for the trust Mr. Olson." Steve said, standing to go.

"Well, if you can't trust Captain America's word, who can you trust?"

"If you need anything, were billeted in Stark Tower these days, you can always reach us through someone there." Tony said. He usually didn't make offers to criminals who weren't hackers, but most criminals were idiots, this guy seemed OK.

"Clint, can you stick around for a minute?" Jack asked.

"Go ahead guys; I'll catch up to you outside."

"Why didn't you go with him?"

"What do you mean?"

"He got those sets of papers for himself, but he had me make matching ones for you."

"He never told me that."

"All three aliases had matching sets with your picture and the travel arrangements were for the two of you."

"Probably just being his usual cautious self. If he had to go off grid because things went bad at SHIELD, he would probably ask for my help. Doesn't mean anything."

"Maybe, but why didn't he include Nat then?"

"Probably figured Nat could take care of herself and I couldn't."

"That's not what it seemed like to me. Seemed like he wanted to make sure someone he cared about would be OK."

"Then something changed, because he left without me and we are not talking about this anymore. And you will not tell Nat."

"OK, I won't tell her if you can promise me that this isn't just some kind of lovers spat and I just compromised my business to get your boyfriend back."

"I don't think Captain America cares if I'm getting laid. Clint said angrily. "Thanks for your help, I'm leaving now."

"Take care of Nat, at least as much as she'll let you." Jack said, shaking Clint's hand.

"Always."

Clint left the bar bewildered. Years ago, and Phil had made sure he would be taken care of. Years ago, Clint was even more of an asshole. What else had Phil done for him that Clint had no idea about?

"Everything OK?" Nat asked. "What did he want?"

"Told me to take care of you if you let me."

Nat knew that wasn't the whole story, but let it slide for now.

The team went back to New York and started to track the three aliases.

The first two were a bust, but Steve Clinton had flown to Europe a week after Phil had left Vermont. He went to Paris and from there and rented a car to Chamonix-Mont-Blanc. French tax records were amazingly easy to break into and Tony discovered Mr. Steve Clinton had been paying taxes on châteaux for a number of years. They had him. Tony made flight plans to Europe for the next morning.

Clint and Steve were watching TV, not that either of them was really paying attention. Steve knew Clint wasn't going to sleep, and Steve wouldn't let him wait alone anymore.

"Maybe you guys should go without me." Clint told Steve.

"Why in the world would you think that?"

"When Phil had Jack make up those papers, he had him make a set for me too. He still chose to go without me. What if I'm the reason he left? You guys would have better luck talking him back without me there."

"If you are a reason he left, and I am in no way agreeing to that notion, having you there to explain or apologize may be the only way to fix things."

Clint thought for a moment.

"If he won't come back because I'm on the team, I'll quit. He's important, I'm not."

"Don't be ridiculous. You are important Clint Barton. Don't ever let me hear you doubt that again. You are part of this team forever. And if you think you can run and hide, remember, the Avengers are getting this finding people thing down to a science. You will not be able to get away from us anymore than Phil has. Do you understand that Hawkeye?"

"Yes sir."

Steve knew Clint didn't really believe him yet. The Avengers were still so new; it wouldn't take much for them to fall apart. Clint running would mean Nat would run or fall apart next. So much depended on finding Phil and convincing him to come home.

The team arrived outside of the châteaux the next night. It was almost midnight local time, but there was still a light in a downstairs window.

Steve made a sudden decision. In truth he had thought about it since the talk he'd had with Clint the night before. "Clint, we'll give you some privacy to talk to him first."

The others looked to be about to protest, but Clint beat them to it.

"No, you guys should go first; I should wait and see if he even wants to see me."

"Of course he'll want to see you." Thor said. "The Son of Coul is your friend."

"Not so sure about that anymore Thor."

"I'm in charge and you will go in alone Hawkeye. Radio if you need backup." Captain Rodgers gave the order and the others had no choice but to follow when he walked down the path towards town and the little inn Tony had made reservations at.

Clint turned back and walked to the door. Swallowing hard, he knocked.

Agent Phil Coulson opened the door. Except he didn't look like Agent Coulson anymore. He was dressed casually in khakis and a dark brown sweater that matched the color of his eyes. Eyes that looked at Clint with shock in them.

"You're alive!" They exclaimed at the same time.

"What?" Clint asked.

"Loki had you. The report I read said Loki's army was eliminated. I thought you had been killed in the attack on the helicarrier."

"Oh my God, No. No, Nat beat the crap out of me and kicked Loki right out of my head. I am myself again, have been since before the attack on New York. Did Fury tell you I was dead?"

"I didn't ask about you specifically. I couldn't tell him that you meant more to me than the rest of the team, more then the Avengers saving the world."

Clint was encouraged but was still confused. "Didn't you read about my part in the battle?" he asked as he barged his way into the cabin.

"I read all of Loki's army had been killed, thought that meant you and I must have had trouble focusing after that. I remember Agent R and IM and I guess there was an Agent B, but that could have meant any SHIELD agent that's last name started with B."

Clint turned away, not able to look at his friend as he admitted, "I survived, but sir, I hurt people. Our own people. I'm so sorry, but I killed innocent people."

Phil grabbed Clint's arms and turned him around saying, "Not you Barton. Loki. Loki killed innocent people. It wasn't your fault."

"You aren't mad at me?" Clint asked, still looking at the floor.

"Clint, for me, my best friend just came back from the dead. I am most certainly not mad at you for something that wasn't your fault."

"Guess I know how finding your dead best friend alive feels." Clint braved a look into Phil's eyes.

"If I had known, I would have come back." Phil said.

"I don't understand. Why did you retire and let everyone think you were dead? The team you spent years of your life forming came together and it actually worked. Why run from that?"

"It wouldn't have meant anything without you Clint." Phil was the one to look at the floor this time.

With that, Clint knew it would all be OK. He cupped Phil's face and forced him to look up. "Saving the world meant nothing without you."

Clint leaned in and slowly gave Phil a chaste kiss, light and innocent and full of all he was trying to say.

"I love you Clint Barton." Phil admitted. "I know this seems sudden and I understand if it freaks you out but I thought I'd lost you and…

"I love you too Phil." Clint interrupted his rambling, pulling him into another, deeper kiss.

"Steve Clinton?" Clint asked after coming up for air.

"Bit obvious?"

"No cute. Like you."

They made their way further into the house, stopping to kiss every few steps.

"Wait a minute." Clint said, pulling out his cell phone and hitting speed dial 2.

"Steve? Yea, it's really him and he's OK. I think he's coming around to the idea of coming back with us, but I may need the rest of the night to convince him. I'll contact you guys in the morning if I need more help. Have a good night."

"You know I'm definitely coming back with you, right?"

"If I told him it's a done deal, they would all be over here welcoming you back. I have more important plans for you tonight."

Phil woke up the next morning with the sun and found himself being used like a big teddy bear by a clinging archer. Last night had been better than anything he had dreamed of. He had expected wild and fast but Clint had been so caring and loving. He carded his fingers through Clint's hair, enjoying being with someone.

Clint woke up being petted and murmured to. He couldn't make out the words, but the sentiment was clear. 'So this is what its like to feel loved.' He thought. He knew he could get used to it.

Neither of them was alone.


End file.
